If there is one thing I am not good at doing, it’s being serious. Finding humor in almost everything is my specialty. In my eyes, laugh lines are much prettier than frown lines. Right?
Anyway. It’s time I do something else that I am not very good at. Sharing about myself. It doesn’t come easy to me because I have become so used to hiding or concealing what was happening in my life. So, I guess it’s time you learn a little about me. The girl behind the beauty products and silly anecdotes.
I am a failure. A murderer, in fact. That’s how I define myself. Lying in bed, going through tissues by the bushel just biding my time. Adding each beer can opening burst of air on to my sentence. Part of my tab. My penance for not being able to carry our children.
I know this is making no sense to you now, but it will in a moment. And I need this. To cleanse myself. Let go of the guilt. Find Christine again. Whether you continue to read or go away, I need need to write.
When you live with someone who loves the drink more than he loves you, you become a different person. I became depressed, fat, weak, angry, pathetic. Any disgusting adjective you can think of, add that to my tab too. Failure. I failed at keeping him sober. I failed at not letting his words get to me. I became this needy person who would look for compliments anywhere I could find them. Posting selfies on Facebook hoping people said I looked pretty. Just to have someone tell me I was good and not all of the horrible things being said to me. I became a person that no one liked. Not even me.
Two things I did not fail at, for a long time, concealing and making excuses. Yep. I learned to hide the truth better than anyone I know. Smiled through everything. No one knew my life was spiraling out of control. Until I could think of no more excuses and finally started inviting people over. Letting them see. My silent cry for help.
You see. I couldn’t leave. It was, after all, my fault. Everything was my fault. I failed. At least, that’s what I was told. Because I was the one losing babies, I believed it. It had to be true. If that’s why he was drinking, then I had to find a way to fix it. Nothing I tried worked. Nothing anyone tried, worked.
Besides being a needy person, I became a Bitch. A nag. His mother. I became angry. Then, one day, I just stopped caring. I let everything go. Myself, my marriage, the house, my health. You name it. And that is all I will apologize for. Letting myself become a person that everyone hated to be around. The rest is not my fault. It took a lot of voices to tell me that before I finally heard it. I thank every one of those people, too.
Now. No more feeling sorry for myself. No more putting myself down. No more anything that brings me sadness. From this point on, it’s nothing but happy thoughts and fat free milkshakes for this girl. Maybe an occasional chocolate martini because now it’s okay to drink them. I missed myself and today, for the first day in a long time, I feel like I saw a glimpse of her.
I hope you trust in me again. Proving myself worthy is my next task. Enjoy the ride and don’t ever let anyone control your happiness.
Christine (I’ll be back with a beauty column in a couple days!(